There’s no way that Mister Rogers could be for real, right? When I was growing up, the word on the playground was that the kind-hearted Mister Rogers was seeking redemption for a past life as a cold-hearted ex-military sniper who killed dozens. Do you hear that?
Dozens have died by his hand. The only reason he wore those sweaters was to cover up his many special forces tattoos that would be too frightening for young eyes.
And those sneakers? Those were specially chosen for stealth. Fred Rogers found they were critical in stalking unsuspecting prey. Legend says that Rogers would glide like a panther, creeping up behind his target until the red cable-knit-sweater-wearing Mister Rogers was so close that it was too late to escape. Moments before their demise he would coldly whisper:
“You’ve made this day a special day just by you’re being you. There’s no person in the whole world like you; and I like you just the way you are.”